Dienstag, 24. April 2007

i am 22 years old. young. never had a boyfriend. possibly never going to have one. cause nobody needs someone like me. someone who sees herself as some kind of genetic special refuse.
surly there is the opportunity to get professional help by a psychologist to change my mind but if the sad part of your mind is the best part of your mind, would you risk to compromise it?
yesterday i thought of disconnect all my relationships again. i do not know whether it is possible or whether it is wise but i know that all relationships are unreal. people are only gambling for their own luck. should i really play this game and what for? i do not see myself as the "lucky winner". i do not see myself as the only looser, but i do not like games i can not win.
yesterday a friend told me that i am not the only one who thinks like that. that would not make me special.
today somebody who did not want to go out with me told me he could not have any relationship with me as long as i got "those problems" and do not change my mind. every time it is fun to hear : "i like you , if you are not yourself."
i am not going to gamble for my innermost for anybody.
painting is superior to writing because it shows the two sides of the coin at once.
so i photograph some of my pictures now, to load them up.